I will always miss you.. and I will always wonder what if I was nicer, what if I was calmer, what if what if what if. and I will always wonder if I ever even pass your mind, if you ever even think for a second about me or what I was to you. I am still really scared I won’t be able to love someone again like I loved you. and I know I’m young but I was satisfied. and I have continued to grow and mature and still I miss you. and it shouldn’t be flattering- I really want to hate you, and I want to want nothing to do with you. I want to be able to look at you with no feeling. and I probably never will. and it makes it hard for me to be me half the time. my stomach still lurches when I hear your name, and I still wish I could confide in you, and talk to you, and listen to you tell me smart things. I’m scared nobody else will know what enzymes digest food, nobody will answer me when I ask about pepsin. I’m scared nobody will talk about science with me again and have their eyes light up. and I’m scared you won’t achieve that goal. I’m scared nobody will make me feel as clean, safe, capable and inspired as you did. and it’s so horrifying because to the rest of the world, you’re not a good person. but you were my sun, and I would’ve gladly spent the rest of my days orbiting around you. it’s bittersweet- you are my biggest regret, but I am so glad you happened to me. I think a lot about who I would’ve been if I had never met you, and I would probably be nicer, calmer, smarter. but I never would have felt stupid teenage drug-ridden love. you impacted me the most out of anyone I’ve ever met. you helped mold me into who I am today and I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I don’t know who I am half the time. I don’t even have thoughts or anything to say most of the time when I’m out. I don’t want to talk to people like I talked to you. Maybe I’m scared to show another person how broken I am because how could I expect anyone to want to pick up my pieces? I’m scared to spend more time worrying about whether or not they love me, or if they’re gonna leave. and everyone always leaves me, always. and you did too, you broke all your promises. everyone else has a boyfriend, is comfortable and happy, and I’m still lost. I don’t mesh with people anymore and I’m horrified of them half the time. I just wish I never had to think of you again. I wish you knew what you did to me and how you changed me. I don’t know how to go back to who I was before, and everyone loved that person I was before. I want to be her again, prude, never smoked a cigarette, only drank and smoked a little too much weed. I was still really naive and I still probably am. things are so hard for me right now, and I wish I had you. I wish I had someone that I believed when they told me everything would be okay. but genuinely, I wish I hadn’t ever met you.
just a cordial fucking apology for all of my friends with heroin and opiate habits that seem appalled with me for not supporting or condoning it. no I don’t think less of you, no I’m not afraid of you or being a bitch or distancing myself from you I’m just not going to sit and watch you fuck yourself up. I’m going to at least say something to you. but don’t hold my high and decent hopes for you against me and be rude as fuck because I don’t have that same problem.
we used to joke about heroin
we always used to talk about the $5 jumbo dope caps
we decided once we would only do it once and we’d do it together
when we were older
we were gonna shoot it up alone
and we didn’t wanna do it with anyone else because we didn’t trust anyone else
we called it heroin
we weren’t worried about how it sounds worse when you call it heroin and not dope or boy
look at you now lol
it’s just crazy to me that the person that even taught me I was capable of loving someone is where you are
partially sometimes I feel like your insane downward spiral over the past year was my fault
it’s not though
I guess I’m not as sad as you
I used to think I was sadder but nothing could push me to that point
you’re still you and I still miss that person
you still should be happy and satisfied with who you are
even if you think otherwise
but I’m always here
the beginning of my Christmas
ur not really my friend anymore. it kinda bums me out. neither of u really are anymore. I would have liked to have been told what was so negative about me.